Mass Effect 2: I Am the Very Model of a Person Coming Up With a Title For This Post

Mass Effect 2 is over. This week was mostly the juicy, juicy business of Shepard straightening out the catastrophically messy personal lives of her crew members. Let’s dive in, shall we?

• So we can all agree that Mordin is the most interesting Mass Effect character, right? As big a deal as the whole “making moral choices” part of every BioWare game is, Mordin’s story is one of the only times where I’m not 100% sure what I believe. The harshness of life on Tuchanka demonstrates how devastating the genophage has been for the krogan, and it’s undeniably a horrible thing to do to a species. But… if your top minds combined can find no other viable solution to otherwise unchecked aggression and violence, I can kind of sort of see Mordin’s perspective when he insists that maintaining the genophage was the right thing to do. I certainly still agree with ending it, but it’s definitely a well-done morally grey conundrum.
• My absolute favorite loyalty mission is Tali’s. It does a great job of exploring the plight of the quarians:
  Tali: Shepard, if I don’t wear a helmet in my own home, I die! A single kiss could put me in the hospital. Every time you touch a flower with bare fingers, inhale its fragrance without air filters, you’re doing something I can’t.
  It’s also the only loyalty mission where the crew member’s relationship with Shepard is explored much, and I love that. Shep yelling herself hoarse at the quarians in her defense is such a touching moment, as is the giant hug that she gives Tali when they discover her dad’s body. And then, afterwards, when Shep tells her that she deserves better than her treatment from the quarians, Tali’s response, guys.
  Tali: I got better, Shepard. I got you.
  
• Next up is Thane.
  Random criminal being interrogated: What are you, frog boy?
  Frog. Boy. FROG BOY!!! Guess who has a new favorite line from Mass Effect 2? Well, my real favorite line might actually be another line from Thane’s quest, after he meets his son.
  Thane: Kolyat. I’ve taken many bad things from the world. You’re the only good thing I ever added to it.
  A lovely line from a lovely frog boy.
• I have one question about Thane at this point – what do you think he actually feels about his work as an assassin? This is long and possibly boring so please feel free to skip. After he kills Nassana, he says that “prayers for the wicked must not be forsaken,” and then clarifies that he was talking about himself. Later, he talks about the drell’s concept of the soul’s separation from the body and how he can’t hold himself morally accountable for his assassinations because that would be like holding a weapon morally accountable for killing, which…sure, Jan. Then he asks for Shep’s help stopping Kolyat from becoming an assassin because he doesn’t want his son to follow him in a “life of sin.” THEN he states that the only deaths on his conscience are the people he tortured and killed after his wife got fridged murdered. Finally, when he’s giving Shepard his big pre-suicide mission speech he talks about “aton[ing] for so many evils.” 3/5 on one side, 2/5 on the other. I assume that these inconsistencies are a part of him struggling to come to grips with the end of his life? (I remember this confusing me before so I took notes this time, by the way. My inherent Mass Effect knowledge is encyclopedic but not that encyclopedic.)
• Garrus is fucking out of control, there I said it. Who goes to a place rife with systemic, desperate poverty that forces people to engage in illicit activities to survive, looks around and says “Guess what, criminals are all scum who deserve to DIE. That will definitely fix the problem!”?? If you see that the criminal justice system is not helping people or reducing crime then you work to reform/abolish it or you work to address the underlying societal problems that are causing so many people to turn to crime. And Garrus’ problem with being a cop, by the way, is that there were too many RULES AND REGULATIONS HOLDING HIM BACK.
• Legion is another fascinating character, but I am now kind of terrified of it. A few days ago I opened up the game and started checking Twitter while I waited for it to load.  I fell down some Twitter rabbit-hole and was still reading after the game loaded – and then out of nowhere and after several minutes of Shepard standing motionless next to Legion in the AI core: “SHEPARD-COMMANDER, ARE YOU READY TO ATTACK THE HERETIC STRONGHOLD?” I just about perished right there.
• Out of all the companions from the first game, Wrex is the only one who actually outwardly manifests as happy to see Shepard alive, interrupting a political discussion to bolt from his throne (?) charge up and roar “SHEPARD! MY FRIEND!” Everyone else is kind of like “Hey you’re not dead, tf? Anyways I need your help solving this problem I got myself into, thanks.”
• There’s this one throwaway that Lord of the Flies rapist Jacob’s dad says:
  Ronald Taylor: Anders found his conscience a little late to step back. He had an accident. Things got…tense.
  First the FENRIS mechs and now you do this?
• Oh, I just went through my screenshots and found another thing that Shepard is bad at: SITTING ON THE GROUND TO HAVE A CONVERSATION LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING.
  Put your Space Goddess ass on the ground where it belongs, Commander. You’re embarrassing yourself.
• To circle back to Mordin and make you see something bad before you leave, there are a couple of incredibly funny bizarre moments with him: the first time I played the game and he sang his scientific patter song, I remember staring blankly at the screen for a minute afterwards, just trying to process what had happened. And his sex advice! The best! Fun fact: apparently prolonged drell-human skin contact causes hallucinations for humans. Back before I felt the need to push the bounds of my idiotic behavior for an Internet audience I laughed and moved on, but this time…well, this time I heard that line and thought “Yes, how about I make a comic of that?”

Spent a truly atrocious amount of time trying to decide if Thane had nipples. Also I realize that I did the BioWare Bra thing on my own blog, but I am not going to draw you Actual Porn. Sorry.

• To conclude, this is a real fun and good game. 9/10 horrible seductions.